Full Disclosure
For my second post, I thought I would share why opening this blog is a big deal for me. People close to me have often recommended I open a blog and share my thoughts on my areas of interests. I would dismiss their suggestions with excuses about being too busy or not thinking it was worth my time. However, there was a deeper reason underlying my excuses.
As far back as I can remember, I have been a procrastinator; I would start out a task with the intention of getting it done early. However, I would inevitably postpone doing the task until the last possible moment. Sometimes, I would procrastinate to such an extent that deadlines would pass and I would suffer the consequences. I attributed my procrastination to a mere lack of diligence but I just couldn't get my act together. While it may be true that I am lacking in diligence, I have come to realize that my struggle with procrastination is undergirded by a fear of rejection and an accompanying anxiety.
Beneath each stalled attempt to meet a deadline was a sense of dread that I just wasn't good enough to produce quality work. The thought existed in the back of my mind that if my teachers, peers, and people whose opinions I value only knew how little I feel I know and how ill-prepared I consider myself to me, they would lose respect for me. This fear would generate a great deal of anxiety in me, which would, in turn, paralyze me.
This blog is part of my journey to combat that fear and overcome anxiety. I will share my thoughts and opinions to the best of my abilities. I'm sure I'll make mistakes at times and not be as clear as I could at others. However, allowing myself to make mistakes in front of others is part of extending God's grace to myself. Thanks in advance to all who take the time to read my blog because you are actually collaborating with God to complete His good work in me. Soli Deo Gloria!
Bro, I am so blessed by your transparency and willingness to put it in writing. There's so much to be said for not just accepting the easy explanation, most people, myself included would've stopped at "lack of diligence" but we've got to be willing to ask the hard questions as you did. Thanks for the reminder and for modeling that so well.
ReplyDeleteAs real as fear can appear to be at some times and places in our lives, fear indeed is a liar.
ReplyDeleteYou wandered what those whose opinion you valued would think if they only knew
"How little I think I know".
Well, this is what came to mind as I read that musing of yours:
Danielito sounds like Socrates.
Dear nephew, he who knows that he knows NOTHING, KNOWS A LOT.
Love this! I know it probably took a lot to be transparent and share this about yourself but thank you. I too suffer from anxiety and sometimes felt that as a Christian we shouldn’t feel like this which in turns makes it worse bc guilt creeps in. But God has definitely been good in guiding me to different resources and putting ppl like yourself in my path to let me know I’m not alone and believe that together as body of Christ we can get through this. Thank you again for sharing!
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